Things Hawk Never Thought He'd Say On A Phone
by The Child Of Silence
Summary: Crack and silliness. "Girls! If you don't stop harassing the men, legal action will be taken."
1. Chapter 1

Things Hawk Never Thought He'd Say On A Phone

By The Child Of Silence

Warnings: Pure Crack, and Stupidity. May or may not be humorous, but guaranteed to be moronic.

Disclaimer: Not mine. Want proof? It came 14 years before me. So unleash I'm magic... Not mine.

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><p>General Hawk hung up the phone and sighed. He shook his head and reached into his desk, and pulled out a notebook. No one knows where the notebook comes from, but it was at situations like this, that one could guess exactly what it was used for. Flipping it open, Hawk pulled out a pen, and began to scan over the list. Of things he never thought he would say on the phone, but ended up saying. He chuckled at the pure stupidity of some of them. No one could say the Joes didn't have any interesting conversations. He scanned through the list, and looked for a spot to put this one.<p>

"Put the pelican back were you found it."

"I don't care what Ship Wreck said; ninjas are not throw toys!"

"No, I will not record your car cash!"

"Nor will I make it mandatory for the Joes to watch it."

"Dildos are not certified weapons!"

"If Storm Shadow said that... it's probably not true."

"Just... stay away from the green moss."

"Tunnel Rat is not to be used as leverage!"

"Nor is he to be used as a weapon."

"Snake Eyes, I did not give you permission to do that... I don't care! Put the mime back! He was not insulting your mother!"

"I'm sorry sir, but I can't tell you where the monkey is."

"Try not to blow anything up this time."

"Flint... Why is Beach Head on the news... in only his briefs?"

"Just because you saw it on T.V. does NOT mean you can build a nuclear bomb in the bathroom!"

"Girls! If you don't stop harassing the men, legal action will be taken."

"Give him his pants back, Thomas."

"Annie. That has to be the best musical that we could produce."

"No, we are not being controlled by some cruel writers."

"Fine, but keep the salamander out of the toilet."

"If it looks like a ninja, sounds like a ninja, and acts like a ninja, it's probably just Chuck Norris."

"Put the banana back, and apologize. That is no way for a grown man to act, Spirit."

"Just go pay the bail, and get him out of there... No, I don't think he's anyone's jail bait... Just... Tell him not to drop his soap..."

"I don't care what happens! Just get it out of my room!" ... "Alright, I love you too, Mom. Bye."

"Snow Job, I'm sure you are a very pretty girl, but it's disturbing to be woken up at five AM in the MORNING to hear complaints coming in!"

"Scarlett, I'm sure that Snake Eyes is just out on a run." ... "No, I'm not hiding him." ... "Ok, I'll tell him. Bye." Click! "Snake Eyes, I don't think hiding under my desk is going to hide you much longer." _'You're right... Can I hide in the closet?" _"Sure."

"Falcon, I told you once, and I'll tell you again. Tunnel Rat is neither leverage or a weapon." ... "No, he's not Korean. Why do you ask?" ... "You know what? I really don't need to hear this again."

"Lady Jaye? No, I haven't seen Flint." ... "I'll tell him if I see him." Click! "Flint, you better ask Snake Eyes if you can hide in the closet with him."

"Deep Six? Are you drunk?" ... "No, actually. Life's good. I got a pain in my back side that just won't go away." ... "Tax pain?"

"Using an anagram for such a thing is not legal on this base."

"Blowtorch?" _There was laughter on the other end. _"Blowtorch's blowjobs? Dusty, are you alright?"

"Beach Head? I haven't seen him for a few days. I'll pass the message along then, Cover Girl." Click! "Okay, you three are going to need better hiding spots soon. Now come out of the closet." _"Bu', Ah ain't gay!" _"It be best if you were though."

"Duke, call in the Animal Control. Timber brought home some more "friends". Ouch!"

Reaching the end of the list, Hawk began to write on a clear space, shaking his head.

"I don't care what the price is! These women want chocolate! Get it!"

Well, this looked like it was one of those days that was about to get very, very, weird. And as if on cue, the phone began to ring. Hawk reached out, lifting the phone to his ear.

"Hello?"

"_Sir, we got a situation._"

Yep. One of those days...

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><p>Pilot chapter. May be a one shot, may be a two shot. This is meant to be silly, so tell me what you think?<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

Things Destro Never Thought He'd Say On A Phone

By The Child Of Silence

Warnings: Pure Crack, and Stupidity. May or may not be humorous, but guaranteed to be moronic.

Disclaimer: You guessed it! Still not mine!

I have no idea how Call Center works so, yea. Never really called one before. Enjoy! Also, I have been infected with a very deadly disease...

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><p>The phone was slammed down with more force then necessary, a crack forming up its spine. The hand gripping it began to constrict, seeming to wish for the phone's demise. Destro could feel his blood pressure shooting through the roof. Those stupid fools! How dare they keep making these ridiculous phone calls! He had told them that this line was for emergencies only! A notepad lay open on top of his desk, inviting him forward to write upon its empty pages.<p>

Slowly, the chrome domed man reached out a hand to pick up a nearby pen, that just so happened to be his pen of many emotions. He examined it, the purple coloured ink, the silver sparkles that came out with the ink... So peaceful... Then, the notebook, beckoning him to spill all his frustration into it.

The door was locked, the phone disconnected. Destro was ready.

_I, James McCullen, aka Destro, am surrounded by an endless ocean of fools! Everyday I get the most ridiculous phone calls, most from the supposed "leader" of our group. If it wasn't for me, I doubt this organization would exist. Well, if you took away Baroness, then the organization would be non-existent. You probably don't believe me, but I do have proof. And let me show you this proof by recording some of the most ridiculous phone calls I have ever received!_

_August 14, 2- - -, 5:36 pm_

_"Hello? This is James speaking. May I help?" Okay, I admit. We're living in hard times, and even I am feeling the recession. So, I took a job at a Call Center. Worst mistake of my life._

_"'Ello James! I'm Torch- er, Phil. I was wonderin' if you happen to know how to fix a laptop." I blinked. Technical problems weren't in my division._

_"I'm sorry "Phil", but I can't help you. May I connect you over to the Technical department?"_

_"No! I've been on hold for over half an hour, and got into an argument with some Indian guy, who directed me here! Ya gotta help me! I broke my boss's laptop while watching Doria! Zartan's gunna kill me!" Oh. This fool. I cleared my throat._

_"Well, Torch. Telling your problems to me won't help you. You watch Doria?" Torch must have finally clued into who I am, because I was answered with a dial tone._

_Now, I feel like I'm going to far into my private life, and in this business, that's a very dangerous thing. Plus, I'm not in the mood to be stalked again. So, I'll just put it to a punch line. The following would make no sense if I told you the actual story either._

_"Commander, you can do it. Come on, push! Push! Push God dammit!" ... "Speaker phone?"_

_"Hi, yes, animal control? Yes, I have a problem animal." ... "No, I swear, Torch is REALLY not a human!" Beeeeeep. "Hello?"_

_"Commander... Why did you order the penguin exhibit?"_

_"Commander? Commander? Commander? Wait? Who's Kurt? Mercedes? No, I didn't know the baby wasn't Finn's."_

_"Buzz Saw, put the camel down."_

_"... I won? Really! A vacation! Where too?" ... "Nice pun Commander. I really appreciate it."_

_"HOW MANY TURKEYS?"_

_"Wait... What colour did you dye it?"_

_"I don't care what you say! I refuse to support this madness!" ... "But I don't wanna watch The Little Mermaid..."_

_"No! Absolutely not!" ... "Fine... But I'm still not watching it."_

_"Baroness, love, won't you put on some pants?"_

_"Zartan, you have to put on pants to."_

_"Storm Shadow, how much alcohol have you ingested?" ... "No. I just thought because..." ... "Oh. Well tell Dorothy I say hi."_

_"Damnit! You didn't record it for me?" ... "Right. So I can watch it on Fox's website?" ... "Don't spoil it for me!"_

_"-Sniff-... I told you... It's just so sad!" ... "I TOLD YOU NOT TO SPOIL IT!"_

_"Who is this?" ... "Adam Lambert?" ... "Oh. My. God. I love your song Whataya want from me!" ... "Shut up!" (Note: I was intoxicated at the time, and no, I don't have a Adam Lambert shrine in my closet. I swear, someone put that there.)_

_"Tying Zartan to a tree won't catch a unicorn." ... "Trust me on this, Commander. I've tried."_

_"You hung yourself out of the 69th floor?" ... "Yes, I get it."_

_"He won't let you redraw our insignia." ... "I'm sure of it." ... "Well, ducks aren't just as fierce."_

_"The phone's in your pants?"_

_"F is for friends who do stuff together. U is for you and me. N is for anywhere and anytime. Down here in the deep blue sea. "_

_"You stole a beaver?"_

_"Where did the green bean go?"_

_"I thought I told you the Green Giant is not underground."_

_"Just, find the snake before Mindbender does. We don't need a repeat of the snail fiasco."_

_"I told you that wasn't a nice place for a piercing."_

_"I don't care how much you get for him, you can't sell the Commander on eBay!"_

_"You're wearing pantyhose?" ... "Owch."_

_"If you call in dead, you better be dead."_

_"I hope you are wearing clothes this time." ... "Who?"_

_"Why are you calling me from China?" ... "Well, if you really did that to my toothbrush, you better go live with the Joes."_

_"The Joes are attacking? With noodles?"_

_"See? I told you not to put silly string next to his nasal spray." ... "Yes, he's not much of a morning person if he mistakes it as nasal spray."_

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><p>Yes... I have Gleeitis... Meaning... I am now a Gleek, and will be dragged away from the world of G. I. Joe. ._. But more plot bunnies are blooming... Should I continue this?<p> 


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